The First Time She Shouted, The First Time I Left
by alixxblack
Summary: I, Severus Snape, permit you to read a recollection of one of my worst decisions. You know that I love Lily Evans, but do you know how I ended up losing her? I reveal this to you know so that you can feel what I felt. A one-shot fic from Snape's POV


Disclaimer: Not JKR. You know this - I know this. She's off writing more brilliance, I'm off writing fanfics. We know the drill. I won't take credit for something that is not mine. Characters, themes, scenarios - not mine. This fanfic conversational exchange - a imaginary encounter which I have written for pleasure.

Author note: Some of you know, some of you don't, but I'll reiterate either way. I wrote this on the fly at tumblr. My fanfics are typically raw and minimally edited. I understand that makes it hard to read but that's the way the ball rolls. I write fanfic for pleasure. Always R&R so that I can learn to stop mistakes before they ever start. Thanks for your time - I love you all!

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James was walking with a swagger down the hall way as he always does. I hate watching his with his odd gait that apparently makes girls swoon as if he were on the world champion's Quidditch team. All in all, James Potter wholly disgusts me. I can never hate him more, though, than when I see him approaching a girl as innocent and delightful as my Lily Evans.

"Lily, I was wondering if you'd like to dine with me this Saturday eve." He speaks as if he were from a thousand years ago. While I know this is an exaggeration of time the menacingly horrific moves he makes to lure in Lily make me sick. I hate him with all my heart. Some would say it's for no good reason but I am Severus Snape. I have nothing but good reasons for every thought and action I make. I duck my head so that he might not catch me glaring, which I only say glaring so that he doesn't think I mean to stare. Staring would only increase his ego further and Hogwarts could not handle any more of James Potter and his obnoxious self confidence.

"I've actually intended to make plans with a dear friend of mine. I was off to invite him to study with me the same evening, James." Lily was always the studious one before Hogwarts and that nature altered none since she'd arrived. I often find myself working hard to remain focused when studying with her on the weekends. I adore her so much that I lose my thoughts in a future I wish, and only wish, could happen. I'm not blind to Potter's efforts, and I'm not blind to the sway he gains each time he speaks with Lily. They will be together. Even if it's thelastthing Potter does.

"You can't mean Snivellus! He's a freak!" James is jealous of the attention Lily gives me and I can't say I'm less than excited by it. He doesn't necessarily feel jealous because of my looks or my intelligence. I don't get into trouble and I'm not self centered. These are the things Lily finds more endearing about me and the life I lead. When James, or anyone for that matter, leaves Lily feeling lonely or hurt it's me that she comes to; that and that alone is what makes James feel threatened by my presence. I've been there for Lily our entire lives and James feels that a relationship is already formed between us. One that he probably fears cannot be broken. I wouldn't dare let him believe the truth, that each day something is severed between Lily and myself.

"I do meanSeverus,thank you James. He's my best friend and unfortunately I cannot change my intentions simply because I haven't asked him yet. I believe in loyalty, James. As a Gryffindor I'd have thought you'd understand that." I raise my eyes only to catch her sighing at James who has reached out for her hand. It makes me want to cry but, naturally, none of these other fools around me deserve to see such a sensitive thing. Instead I return my gaze to the page I was scanning. I am in an advanced potions class only to realize the teacher is unaware of simple shortcuts that make the class easier to master. I try to make notes at least one chapter ahead so that I stress not over such a petty course.

"Lily, have you heard the things people say about you. You go to dinner with me then you go to dinner with him. People whisper that you're just a trollop." James had the nerve to say such a thing to Lily Evans? I must be dreaming because nobody should ever be spoken to like that, especially the perfection that is Lily Evans. I find myself standing up to attack James for what he's said, for the damage he's done.

"I hear everything everyone says, despite popular belief, Mr. Potter! I've heard not once someone say trollop. Whatever game it is you play in I shall be no part of it! Until you grow up I'll do nothing with you!" The sound of her shouting startles most people around her. This is the first time she has ever shouted at anyone. She steps away towards me and sees I'm just as irritated and defensive as she is. Lily hates to be protected but a see her grin at me. It's the only comfort I know in the world, the look of happiness she gives to me when she knows I'll be there no matter what the case. She spins back only for a moment to curse James for his childish behavior. "The hate was wrong to put you in Gryffindor and Severus in Slytherin. I think he made a huge mistake! I don't know if you're aware but my life at home is no cakewalk. My sister ensures I have nobody to turn to when I return. The only friend I ever had was Severus Snape. At the end of the day I know he's not going to leave me alone as you've done so many times before. He's a good man. You could learn something from him!"

I've never heard sweeter words in my life. Lily comes to my side and grabs my things. She tried to act collected but instead she fumbles to keep her strides steady and straight. I come behind her and put my hand in the small of her back. She stops and glances around to find we've ended up at a dead end hallway where there are unused classrooms and dust. She drops everything delicately onto the ground and looks deep into my eyes.

"Severus, I can't believe you're in the middle of this. I've been at this for three years with James. On and off again dating and it always comes to this. I can't help but thing I'm wasting my time." Lily and James started unofficially seeing each other in their third year. Often times he'd take her on trips to Hogsmeade alone, buy her trinkets for no reason. He'd invite her to Quidditch events throughout the summer. It wasn't until early last year that they started realizing they had a relationship and were together. I stood by for three years as I watched them get together and break up again. She'd never shouted at him this way before, though. I could only hope this was the end of what was clearly a vicious cycle.

"He brings out the worst in you, Lily. I'd say the same for him but…" I couldn't bring myself to say something that I knew would make Lily cry. I stopped mid-sentence and watched her as she curled down into herself on the floor. It matter not what I said, she would cry regardless. Nonetheless, Lily already knew what I was going to say.

"James is made up of nothing but terrible things, it would seem." She began sobbing and sobbing. "What is wrong with me?" I couldn't sit by and watch her weep into her knees. She depended on me to be the good guy. I hated James and she knew that. It couldn't stop me from saying what was right and fair.

"There's nothing wrong with you or what you said. You're simply upset because you shouted. You never shout." She sat upright and wiped her face dry. It was fruitless as tears continued to fall over her cheeks.

"Perhaps I should apologize for yelling." I bit my tongue, I should not have said it. The cycle is going to repeat itself.

"I love you, Lily. You'd feel nothing shy of evil if you didn't say sorry." I couldn't stand to look at her, in spite of all the love I had for her. She knew where I stood, even if not to the degree of which it truly is - she still knew. I took my things back into my arms and rushed away leaving her to sort out her priorities - alone.

"Severus, please don't go." Her voice was howling from me to return but I didn't dare look back. If she was going to choose James I wanted to be no part of it. I'd be there for her but there was no useful way I could help her now. I was interested in the decision she made and it was would be all but unfair if I were there to choose for her. Lily was a bright girl, a bright witch, but she needed only to find her own way back.

It was the first time she'd ever shouted, sure. It was a terrible experience for Lily. However, it was the first time I ever left her behind. Lily swore to me the next day that she'd never forget it. I apologized but the distance between us grew until we were nothing more than acquaintances by the summer arrived.

It's unedited, rough, and the first time I've ever written from Snape's point of view. It probably doesn't match up perfectly with the books and the three might seem slightly ooc. Forgive me and thank you if you read it :)


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